A funny school story. Funny stories for schoolchildren. Headmistress with imagination
For every person, school is the most unforgettable stage of life, which, after many years, one wants to plunge headlong into again in order to again feel the taste of childhood, experience the period of growing up and developing a personality, see favorite teachers, remember funny stories about school that happened with classmates and you.
Here are a few cases from school life that will help you plunge into such an atmosphere that is dear and close to everyone.
The Tale of the Three Little Pigs
A funny story from school life begins with the fact that during a reading lesson, the teacher read a fairy tale about the three little pigs to first-graders. Finally she came to a passage about the search for materials to build houses, namely when one pig saw a peasant riding on a cart of hay and asked: “Excuse me, sir! Could you lend me some hay to build my little house?” After a pause, the teacher asked the children a question: “What do you think the peasant answered to the piglet?”
One of the boys said without hesitation: “The peasant replied that you could simply be stunned: a talking pig!” After these words, the teacher could not continue the lesson...
Where's my bomb?
And this funny story from school life was told by one teacher, whose school was once visited by an FSB officer in order to find out whether the educational institution was ready to repel a possible terrorist attack. The visit, of course, was unplanned. In the hands of the guest there was a yellow opaque bag with a dummy bomb, with which he walked around the floors, then returned to the security guard and asked him to look after the bag. Having convinced himself that there was no sign of vigilance in this school, he went to the director to organize a dressing down.
When I returned, I discovered that the package with the “bomb” had been stolen, apparently for more necessary purposes. Therefore, the “lecturer”, instead of reading lectures to the director, was forced to reorient himself into a school detective.
A funny story from school life about Leshenka
One day, a boy, Leshenka, was brought to one of the many schools of child prodigies; his aunt, a psychologist, asked the question at the entrance interview: “What is the difference between a bus and a trolleybus?” The boy, without thinking twice, said that the trolleybus runs on an electric motor (while the bus runs on an internal combustion engine.
The answer was incorrect. In fact, everything is much simpler: a trolleybus with horns, and a bus without. Therefore, there is no need to fool the smart auntie’s head.
According to the magazine
Also quite a funny story from school life. A new teacher came to the 9th grade. The guys decided to joke with her, test her reaction and nerves at the same time, and put a condom on the table. The teacher was not at a loss, picked up this object and, showing it to the class, asked what it was and where it was used. In response - friendly laughter. Then the teacher says: “Okay, let one of the boys, the bravest one, come to the board, and I will show you where and how to put it on, and at the same time tell you what it is for. If there is no volunteer, then you will have to call from the magazine ". A suspicious silence reigned in the class.
Funny story from school life about a pancake
Both adults and children have the habit of using the word “damn”. Moreover, they insert it at every opportunity. A teacher at one school, in order to eradicate this habit, suggested that children replace the word “pancake” with “raisin bun.”
In every class there are students who cannot sit quietly through a boring lesson and take the initiative to complete it as quickly as possible. In one such class there was a student whom everyone loved, and he never felt fear of anyone. In class, everyone was just waiting to see what joke he would make. If the lesson was delayed, the student would leave the class under some pretext and ring the bell for recess (of course, ahead of time). He could write a note “there is a sock hanging on the ceiling” and pass it around the class. Everyone was reading and naively looking at the ceiling, although it was clear that there was no sock there.
Bye-bye!
When trying to remember funny stories about school, the following incident comes to mind. During one of the lessons, a child couldn’t wait to go to the toilet and wet himself. The teacher found the most predictable way out of the situation: she called her mother, who brought the pants. The child was changed into dry clothes. After this, the teacher began to respond more carefully to the children’s requests. And then one day she was standing with a colleague on one of the floors near the toilet, and she asked her to stand so that the children wouldn’t run in. The teacher is standing in the corridor, guarding the door, and sees a girl running out of the classroom and shouting: “Bye-a-aka-a-at!”
The poor teacher remembers a previous incident; The toilet is busy as luck would have it. But then this girl runs up to another one - her same age, pats her on the shoulder and says: “Bye, Katya! I won’t wait for you, my lessons are over.”
Mrrr meow
Here's another funny story from school life that happened in a physical education lesson. In the tenth grade, it was required to pass standards for running. Since no one really wanted to jump, the guys came up with the idea of buying valerian and creating a real paradise for the local cats on the sandy area intended for such an interesting activity. No sooner said than done! On the day the standards are expected to be passed, the purchased valerian is successfully poured onto the site. the teacher who saw several dozen inappropriately behaving cats around the perimeter of the playground defied description.
Attempts to free the yard from meowing animals were unsuccessful. But the goal for which everything was done was achieved, and the physical education lesson turned out to be very fun.
Hooray! Quarantine!
Quarantine, like the holidays, is a happy period for any normal student. This is a holiday! At least a week. So here it is. In winter, as expected, a flu epidemic began, and schools in which more than 10 people were sick were closed one after another. However, no one in one class was sick, so the kids decided to set up an artificial quarantine: they brought some fragrant stuff from home and decided to smell it, and as soon as everyone started sneezing, the teachers would think that the quarantine had reached here too, and they would let everyone go home. Unfortunately, such a brilliant experiment failed. The teachers, smelling the smell of pepper, were asked to voluntarily hand over “chemical weapons.” 4 boys (hooligans with poor grades) and one girl (an excellent student and the teachers' favorite) passed. Everyone got it from both parents and teachers, but I can’t help it.
In the same class, a battle with books was not uncommon. One day, a flying book hit a teacher who came to teach a lesson on the head. After such presentation, she said that you need to enter this class in a bulletproof vest and helmet. It didn't happen like that. Before the test, they locked themselves in the classroom, and the teacher could not get there until the middle of the lesson.
At least take a peek...
Funny stories from the lives of schoolchildren are varied and sometimes even repeated. Remembering these wonderful bright moments, you feel a strong desire to return to childhood, even for a minute. After all, adult life is often monotonous; it does not have that school recklessness and mischief. Favorite teachers are already teaching to other generations, who plot them in the same way, smear the board with paraffin and put buttons on the chair. Therefore, you need to remember funny stories from school as often as possible, because at such moments mischievous sparkles light up in your eyes, and a kind and mischievous smile appears on your face.
Why was the dog's name Mumu?
At school I really didn’t like to read, and once we were assigned to read “Muma” by Ivan Turgenev. And a security question:
- Why was the dog called Mumu?
I decided to cheat and asked my father. To which he replied with a serious face:
— One small dog was walking on a frozen lake in winter and became thirsty. She started lapping up the ice, but her tongue stuck to the ice and froze. She somehow tore it off the ice, but part of the tongue remained there. From then on she could only moo.
I got the gist, and the next day the whole class was lying down. Our young literature teacher was especially hysterical. From then on I had to read everything myself...
Thank you dad!
Debriefing
One day, the most beautiful and broken girl in our class, Oksana, was caught smoking a cigarette right around the corner of the school. The times were still Soviet, strict.
The headmistress herself came to the classroom for the debriefing.
- “From today on, the Mongol yoke is introduced for all students in your class!” - she barked.
- “One soldier made a mistake - the whole ten will be executed! Once again I catch her smoking a cigarette - I will deprive all the girls in the class of access to the yard during recess! And this will happen with each of her serious offenses!”
In the ringing silence that followed, while we were comprehending the new rule, a quiet, thoughtful voice was heard:
- “What if Oksana is deflowered?”
To the horror of my friend, the headmistress heard this and screamed: “That means we’ll deprive everyone!”
Our poor girls blushed, not daring to believe their ears. To the general laughter of the boys, the headmistress finished:
- "... the right to attend the school disco!"
This story happened when I was in 7th - 8th grade.
We had such a teacher of Russian language and literature. Veronica Georgievna. She was especially distinguished by her weight (more than 100 kg for sure) and the fact that no one particularly loved her.
And there was one guy who studied with us, who, in general, had nothing to lose. One day he took a coin (5 kopecks) and put it under the tram. After passing it, 5 kopecks. turned into a kind of bun, 7 centimeters in diameter. And before Veronica Georgievna came to class, he managed to place this “bun” on her chair. And then, somewhere in the middle of the lesson, he started to raise his hand. She tells him:
- What do you want?
- Veronika Georgievna, excuse me, please, but you sat on my patch...
Of course, she didn’t understand right away, but when she stood up and saw the bun, the whole class was lying down laughing.
History in first grade.
The teacher reads a fairy tale about the three little pigs to the children. Now she has reached the part where the first little pig is trying to collect building materials for his hut. "So the little pig went to the peasant with a cart full of hay and said:
- "Excuse me, sir, could you give me some hay to build my house?"
The teacher stopped and asked:
- What do you think the peasant said to this?
One boy raised his hand and answered:
- I think he said: “Holy shit! Talking pig!!!”
Theater ticket
In one of the schools, the sponsor provided theater tickets to all students, their parents and teachers. And one of the schoolchildren brings back a ticket and a note from his mother, which says: “Dear Irina Fedotovna, I won’t be able to go to the theater. So I’m returning the ticket to your ass.” The teacher, frowning her eyebrows, did not think for a long time, took a piece of paper, a pen and wrote a reply note: “Darling, Tatyana Gennadievna, I have a ticket for my ass. And this ticket is for you....
translation from German
Frohlische minuten
"Enlightenment", 1983
Compiled by: Lebedev V.B.
Brotherly labor
"You did your homework so well. Perhaps your brother helped you?" the teacher asked Peter.
"No, he did it all alone!"
Example with sugar
Build a sentence with the word "sugar".
-In the morning I drink one glass of tea.
-Where is SUGAR?
-And sugar is in tea!
What time
Dieter: What time is it: I’m running, you’re running, he’s running?
Jorg: Change!
Jörg reads in class: “And then Archimedes jumped into the bath and shouted: “Eureka!”
"What does Eureka mean?" asked the teacher.
"It means 'found'.
"Okay. Tell me, what did Archimedes FOUND in the bathroom?"
Jörg thought for a moment and shouted loudly: “SOAP!”
"What is between the city and the countryside?"
"Union "I"!
Beautiful word
"What is a SYNONYM?"
“When we don’t know how to spell a word, we look for a SYNONYM for it!”
Work in pause
"Egon, why didn't you do all your class work?"
"The break was too short!"
Imperative mood
Teacher: “Paul, build a sentence with the imperative mood!”
Paul: "The horse is harnessed to the cart."
Teacher: “Okay, but where is the imperative?”
Paul: "B-b-but!"
Five words
The teacher gave the class an assignment: “Make two sentences and use five verbs in each of them!”
Erwin completed the task first, stood up and read loudly:
"Mom cooks, cleans, sews, washes and irons. My son eats, drinks, plays, reads and sleeps!
What is your name?
Teacher: “What are the names of such creatures that are able to live both in water and on land?”
Brigitte: "Sailors!"
Book for dictation
Olaf comes home and says: “We wrote a dictation yesterday, and today they gave me a book for it!”
“Really? And what kind of book is this?”
“Spelling dictionary,” the boy answers.
Good too
"Monica, your essay is good. But it's exactly the same as Erica's. What should I think?"
“That Erika’s essay is also good!”
Great example
Teacher: “Give an example with the word “NOISE.”
Max: “Well, for example, when Monica, Gesela and Marion speak at the same time!”
Stefan and the ballad
Stefan recited Schiller's ballad by heart.
“Okay,” says the teacher, “now retell its contents in your own words!”
"I can not do it!"
"Why?"
“Because they didn’t ask us that!”
Dieter's parents
Dieter enters the classroom.
"Did you want to see my parents? Here they are!" he said and placed two photographs on the table in front of the teacher.
Did you teach or not?
"Jörg, have you learned the poem or not?"
“I learned it, but I forgot what it was about!”
What are Canadians doing?
“Tell me, Dietmar, what is the main craft of the people of Canada?”
"Everyone in Canada mostly plays hockey!"
On the horizon
"Egon, give me an example with the word HORIZON!"
"I was sitting on the horizon and reading a book!"
Earth and globe
"How did people know that the Earth is round?" asks Emil.
“According to the globe,” Hugo replies.
Do you speak English?
"I know a foreign language," says Jörg
"Do yoi speak English?"
"What, what?"
“I asked: do you speak English!”
"Of course!"
Who wrote for Enz
The teacher reads Enz’s essay and says: “You know, Enz, your essays were better before!”
“Yes, but these were not my writings!”
Who to talk to
"I can speak French! I've already listened to three lectures," says Manfred.
“Yes, well, who are you talking to?”
“Yes, with anyone! With anyone who also listened to three lectures...”
I do not know either
"Jörg, can you tell me the name of the capital of Sweden?"
“I can’t help you, Mister Teacher, because I don’t know this either!”
"Tell me, Jorg, what historical event happened in 1410?"
"Battle of Grunwald!"
"Great! And in 1437?"
Iorg thought and said loudly: “27 years since the Battle of Grunwald!”
Everything is like a square
"Olaf, what is a CIRCLE?"
"A circle is a square that has no corners!"
Hans found a friend
Hans and Klaus measure the width of their shoulders. “Your shoulders are much wider,” Klaus tells him, “sit at the desk in front of me so that the teacher doesn’t see me!”
Grandma teaches foreign
“Did you hear that Jurgen’s grandmother is learning a foreign language?”
"Really? Why?"
“To help my grandson do his homework!”
Difficult question
Olaf received a bad grade again and came home crying.
At home, he said that the teacher asked him a question that was too difficult.
The next day Olaf's father came to school. The teacher called Olaf again and asked: “Olaf, what is one plus one?” Olaf burst into tears: “See, daddy, he asked that again!”
Five Beasts
In biology class:
Teacher: “Name five animals - inhabitants of the desert!”
Stefan: "A lion and four camels!"
Twice
The teacher gave the task to read the text twice. After a few seconds, Jörg raises his hand: “I’m ready!”
The teacher didn’t believe him: “I asked you to read it twice!”
Jörg: “I read it twice, and if you don’t believe me, I can retell this text twice!”
Doesn't fit
"Why Olaf, do you always hide behind other people's backs?"
“Because hiding behind YOUR back is impossible!”
School time
“Jorgen, get ready quickly, otherwise you’ll be late for school!”
“I won’t be late, mommy, school is open all day!”
Vacation physics
“Tell me, Haney, what did you study in physics today?”
“Today we were told that when bodies are heated, they increase in volume, and when cooled, they shrink.”
“Can you give me an example?”
"Yes. For example, holidays: in the summer they are big, and in the winter they are small!"
School and bed
"Jurgen, you're late again, what's the matter?"
“The whole point is that my bed is very bad!”
"Like this?"
“It’s absolutely impossible to get out of this bed! Especially in the morning!”
When holidays?
The teacher sees that Jörg wants to ask something.
"What do you want to ask, Jorg?"
"I... My friends Stefan and Heine are wondering: When is our next vacation?"
Control
"Jörg, why are you looking at Egon's notebook? Are you copying?"
"No, I'm just checking to make sure he doesn't make any grammatical mistakes!"
What is WIND
“What is WIND” asks the physics teacher.
"Wind is air that has no time!" Ove answers.
Already good
"Mani, why don't you draw?"
"I've already done everything!"
“Have you already drawn three fish?”
“No, I replaced them with a big-and-im whale!”
What is your name
A girl from the fifth "B" ran to the director during recess and ran into a boy in the corridor.
"Camel!" shouted the angry boy. “And my name is Barbel,” said the girl.
Valuable pen
Hugo says:
“Yesterday we would have gone to the museum and seen one very valuable pen there. Alexander the Great himself wrote with this pen!”
“But in the time of Macedon there were no pens yet,” Uwe doubted.
“So that’s why she’s so valuable,” Hugo said.
What to gift
The schoolchildren are discussing among themselves what to give Heinz for his birthday.
“Maybe we should give him a ballpoint pen,” someone said.
"He already has a great pen."
"Then maybe a book?"
“He already has the book too,” Ove replies.
I don't know
“Jorg, give an example with the conjunction “NOT”.
"I don't know!"
Short story
The grandson shows his grandfather his diary with grades.
Grandfather: “When I was a schoolboy, I only got A’s in history!”
Grandson: “Yes, grandpa, at the time when you were a schoolboy HISTORY was much shorter.
Jörg and fruits
The teacher talks about what types of fruits exist - juicy and dry. Jörg was chatting with a friend and listened to everything.
"What kind of fruits are there?" asks the teacher.
"Fruits are dry and... Wet!"
With or without?
Little Enz loves to ask questions. One day a new teacher came to their school, and Enz asked her: “Please tell me, how much does our planet weigh?”
Embarrassed teach
The girl went to the library and found the answer in the encyclopedia. In the next lesson, she answered Enz's question.
Enz listened and asked: “Did you count it together with all the people, or without them?”
First aid
"Klaus, can you give me first aid?" asks little Enz.
"Yes!"
“Then give me your notebook as soon as possible, I didn’t do my homework!”
Nothing bad
In a history lesson, the teacher asks: “What can you say about Spartacus?”
"Only all the best, Mr. Teacher!"
Notebook please
The class is writing a test.
Jörg did his work quickly, handed over his notebook and went into the corridor. After some time, he returns to the class and asks the teacher: “Please give me back my notebook, I forgot the cheat sheet there!”
Ten minutes for Darwin
“Well, how did you answer in class today?” they ask Egon.
“Not too good. The biologist wanted me to talk in ten minutes about what Darwin did his WHOLE LIFE!”
Solidarity
The teacher wrote the problem on the board, and then calls Otto and asks: “Answer, please!”
Otto slowly gets up from his desk and says: “First, I would like to listen to the team’s opinion!”
Why bridges?
"Tell me, why do people build bridges in the city?"
“So that water flows under them!”
One hour and ten minutes
"Why don't you wash your face in the morning?" the group leader asks Jorgen.
"Because it takes a lot of time!"
“Well, tell me, can you wash your face for more than ten minutes?”
“It’s not about ten minutes, it’s about the HOUR it takes me to force myself to get up and go wash myself.”
Mask
Dieter: “There’s a masquerade coming up at school... What do you think, Norbert, what kind of mask should I wear?”
Norbert: “Why do you need a mask? Just go wash yourself and no one in the world will recognize you!”
What can I do?
"Shame on you, Jörg! You're the worst student in the class!"
“Yes, but what can I do if Olaf, who studied even worse, recently transferred to another school?”
Teacher: "Is someone helping you with your homework, Otto? You've been studying a lot better lately!"
Otto: No one is helping, it’s just that our TV has been broken for three weeks..."
When will daddy be back?
"Enz, why didn't you do your homework?"
"Because... Because... Because my dad is on a business trip!"
Bad weather
The teacher gave the class a task to describe the game of football.
The next day the teacher reads Max’s essay:
“The weather was bad and football didn’t take place yesterday!”
Too big
In geometry lesson:
"Can a triangle have sides of 6, 9 and 27 centimeters?"
“No,” Max shouts.
"Right, explain why."
“Because such a triangle will not fit into a notebook!”
Practical mathematics
The man explains the problem to little Jörg: “You got two apples, and then they gave you another, and then another. How many apples do you have now?”
"Five."
"Why?"
“Because I have another one in my bag!”
When you?
The pioneer group is going to go to the museum. Lothar says: "Let's make an appointment for 11 o'clock!"
“Okay, we’ll arrive at 11, what time will you arrive?
Who's whose dad
"Who was the father of Louis the fourteenth?"
"Louis the Thirteenth!"
"Who was the father of Louis the thirteenth?"
"Louis the Twelfth!"
"Well, who was the father of Louis the First?"
"Louis zero!"
“You made a lot of mistakes in your essay, Peter!”
“Yes, but it was the teacher who said that we must learn from mistakes!”
Did you get enough sleep?
"Tell me, Jörg, who did your homework for you?"
"I... I don't know, I was sleeping..."
A father asks his four sons, "How are you doing at school? Are you studying well? Are you studying hard?"
Peter: “I am the very first student in the Russian language class!”
Jurgen: "First in geography!"
Klaus: "I'm the first in German!"
"And you?" asks the father of the fourth, youngest son.
“And I’m the very first... the very first to enter the class!”
No more cleanliness
"Why are you so late today, Heinz?" asks the teacher.
“This morning I decided to wash my ears and neck, but I give you my word of honor that this will not happen again!”
Misunderstood
"The teacher gave me a bad grade."
"Because you didn't understand his question?"
“No, he didn’t understand my answer!”
"How do you do your homework?" Jurgen asks his friend Lothar.
“I do the easy part first, and then the hard part,” Lothar replies.
“What do you do if all the tasks are difficult?”
"And then I'm going to play football!"
“Give an example of a collective noun,” the teacher asks.
“Family,” little Manfred answers.
"More?"
"Compote!"
The only one
“Today I was the only one who answered the teacher’s question,” said little Max when he came home.
"Yes, well, what was that question?"
"The teacher asked: 'Who didn't do their homework?'
Great wish
“Tomorrow morning we are moving to another city,” one lazy student says to his counselor. “I could do something nice for you on this occasion. Do you have a desire?”
"Yes, there is. Please don't tell anyone there that you were IN MY group!"
I said it
Egon's parents reprimand their little son:
"Why didn't you say you got a bad grade?"
“I told you, but no one was home!”
"What is three plus four?" Stefan was asked.
"Seven."
"What is seven and four?"
“I don’t know, we haven’t gone through the number ELEVEN yet!”
Oh this teacher!
"What happened, Jorg?" mother asks her son.
“Oh, my beloved teacher was so sad today!”
“And what upset him so much?”
"I."
Nothing bad
Jörg came home from school and his mother asked him: “Did you do anything bad at school today, son?”
“Absolutely nothing, mommy! I stood in the corner the whole lesson!”
Story 1: “Goodbye!”
After 10 minutes, we open the door for her and go home with the words: “You said, if you’re not there in 15 minutes, then you can leave. 15 minutes have passed. Goodbye.”
- Hello. Is this Sanna?
-Are you her sister?
- Why isn’t she at school?
I hang up the phone and sit for a long time in bewilderment, how can you forget that I am me...
gets baptized) GOD FORGIVE!!!
Story 4: “This is not funny!”
Eh, I remember the five of us were sitting in the office, the director, two head teachers and the class teacher, everyone was torturing us, so that we would confess)) they can’t force us to buy all the locks (by the way, the whole school was out that day - you can’t get into the offices) without evidence and confessions? I remember the stupidest phrase from the class: “Whether you guys say it or not, just be honest! After all, the director knows who it is, he just wants to hear from you” I’m shocked... sometimes teachers think that children are stupid and don’t understand... eh naive! In general, we did not confess, giving the whole school a holiday and a headache for the teachers.
Story 5: "Fingal"
- Who? For what?
- Mom, what are you doing? We didn't quarrel...
The poor teacher had a picturesque picture before her eyes... The toilet, as luck would have it, was busy... And then this little girl runs up to another, slaps her on the wrist and says: “Bye, bye! My lessons are already over, I’ll wait for you.” I won't!"
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Story 1: “Goodbye!”
One day we were sitting in class. The teacher told us that if she wasn’t there in 15 minutes, we could go home. After 5 minutes she comes and tries to open the door, and the whole class holds her.
After 10 minutes, we open the door for her and go home with the words: “You said, if you’re not there in 15 minutes, then you can leave. 15 minutes have passed. Goodbye.”
Story 2: "Split Personality"
It happens that we don't recognize someone. Sometimes even friends or relatives. Back in my school years, one story happened... I didn’t recognize myself. I twisted my ankle during training and couldn’t go to school. The teacher is calling. I pick up the phone.
- Hello. Is this Sanna?
“No,” I say for some unknown reason...
-Are you her sister?
“Yes,” I answer automatically, and I’m simply shocked by my answer, as well as by the first one!
But since I blurted out something stupid, I have to blurt it out to the end. Now you can’t say, “Oh, no, it’s still me! I just forgot that Sanna is me!”
- Why isn’t she at school?
“She,” I say about myself, “twisted her leg and will be back in two weeks.”
I hang up the phone and sit for a long time in bewilderment, how can you forget that I am me...
Story 3: "Caring Teacher"
There is one teacher in our school (hereinafter I will call her L.) She is fanatically religious and reads morals to us all the time. One day, during a math lesson, she delivered a long sermon. Then there was this dialogue:
We: - Why are you telling us all this?
L: - How could it be otherwise! After all, God entrusted you to me! When I appear before him, he will ask me, where are your students that I gave you? What will I answer him? Why are you like this? I am obliged to look after you and I am responsible for you before the Almighty...
We sit with extremely serious faces and try not to laugh. After a five-minute pause, she gets up and with a solemn look utters the phrase: “I WOULD SHOOT YOU ALL FROM A KALASHNIKOV AUTOMATIC MACHINE!” ( gets baptized ) GOD FORGIVE!!!
Story 4: “This is not funny!”
And we, students of grade 5 "A", are watching the parent meeting take place... the door to the office is open and we run past, looking in, there are 5 of us, naturally there is enough noise from us! The teacher couldn’t stand it and closed the door, we were bored, we ran around opening it... she had a fight and a fight, didn’t catch up with us, took it and locked the door. OK. We went to the stationery store, they sold Supermoment glue that glued everything together forever. Why do you think we bought them? We returned to school and poured glue into the key hole))) and for good measure in another 10-15 classrooms as well) and then... we went for a walk, the parents returned closer to the morning (I still don’t know how we got out of there... ) And the next day to school!
Eh, I remember the five of us were sitting in the office, the director, two head teachers and the class teacher, everyone was torturing us, so that we would confess)) they can’t force us to buy all the locks (by the way, the whole school was out that day - you can’t get into the offices) without evidence and confessions? I remember the stupidest phrase from the class: “Whether you guys say it or not, just be honest! After all, the director knows who it is, he just wants to hear from you” I’m shocked... sometimes teachers think that children are stupid and don’t understand... eh naive! In general, we did not confess, giving the whole school a holiday and a headache for the teachers.
Story 5: "Fingal"
My son came home from school with a tattered (not really true) backpack and an impressive black eye. I ask him:
- Who? For what?
- Ahh. It was Slavka who tripped me, I fell, well, I threw my backpack at him... I got him! (face shines with happiness), he punched me in the eye, then I punched him in the nose... Well, we had a fight...
My son spent another 20 minutes describing the fight itself (an epic battle of the titans), and I, having already realized that nothing terrible had happened, asked:
- So you and Slava made peace later?
The son’s eyes widen, he is extremely surprised:
- Mom, what are you doing? We didn't quarrel...
Story 6: “Children are the flowers of life!”
I heard this story from a friend of mine, a primary school teacher. This happened, it means, in the year when she was working with first-graders. And I’ll tell you that anything can happen to children in class... in general, one child either couldn’t wait to get to the toilet, or didn’t make it, and... peed himself. Well, the teacher, naturally, found a way out of the situation - she called the child’s mother to bring him dry pants, but she had to wash the wet ones.
A few weeks later, this is the situation: a colleague on one floor of the school asks her: “Stay in the corridor, near the toilet, so that the children don’t drop in, and I’ll do it right away.”
It means this teacher is standing in the corridor, guarding the door near the toilet (And it was just recess.) Then a girl from her class rushes and yells: - “Bye-a-aka-a-at.”
The poor teacher had a picturesque picture before her eyes... The toilet, as luck would have it, was busy... And then this little girl runs up to another, slaps her on the wrist and says: “Bye, bye! My lessons are already over, I’ll wait for you.” I won't!"
The patient came to the doctor:
- Doctor, you advised me to count to 100,000 to fall asleep!
- Well, did you fall asleep?
- No, it’s already morning! Sent by Yana Sukhoverkhova from Estonia, Pärnu May 18, 2003
- Vasya! Doesn't it bother you that you're left-handed?
- No. Every person has their own shortcomings. For example, with what hand do you stir the tea?
- Right!
- Here you see! But normal people stir with a spoon!
A crazy person is walking down the street and dragging a thread behind him.
A passerby asks him:
- Why are you dragging a thread behind you?
What should I push forward?
- My neighbor was a vampire.
- How did you know this?
“And I drove an aspen stake into his chest, and he died.”
- Boy, why are you crying so bitterly?
- Because of rheumatism.
- What? So small and you already have rheumatism?
- No, I got a bad mark because I wrote “rhythmism” in the dictation!
- Sidorov! My patience has run out! Don't come to school tomorrow without your father!
- And the day after tomorrow?
- Petya, why are you laughing? Personally, I don’t see anything funny!
- And you can’t even see: you sat on my jam sandwich!
— Petya, how many excellent students are there in your class?
- Not counting me, four.
- Are you an excellent student?
- No. That's what I said - not counting me!
Phone call in the staff room:
- Hello! Is this Anna Alekseevna? Tolik's mother says.
- Who? I can't hear well!
- Tolika! I spell it out: Tatyana, Oleg, Leonid, Ivan, Kirill, Andrey!
- What? And all the children are in my class?
During a drawing lesson, one student turns to his neighbor at his desk:
- You drew great! I've got an appetite!
- Appetite? From sunrise?
- Wow! And I thought you drew scrambled eggs!
During a singing lesson, the teacher said:
— Today we’ll talk about opera. Who knows what opera is?
Vovochka raised his hand:
- I know. This is when one person kills another in a duel, and the other sings for a long time before falling!
The teacher handed out notebooks after checking the dictation.
Vovochka approaches the teacher with her notebook and asks:
- Maria Ivanovna, I didn’t understand what you wrote below!
— I wrote: “Sidorov, write legibly!”
The teacher talked in class about great inventors. Then she asked the students:
-What would you like to invent?
One student said:
— I would invent such a machine: you press a button and all the lessons are ready!
- What a lazy person! - the teacher laughed.
Then Vovochka raised his hand and said:
“And I would come up with a device that would press this button!”
Vovochka answers in zoology class:
- The length of the crocodile from head to tail is 5 meters, and from tail to head - 7 meters...
“Think about what you’re saying,” the teacher interrupts Vovochka. - Is it possible?
“It happens,” Vovochka answers. - For example, from Monday to Wednesday - two days, and from Wednesday to Monday - five!
— Vovochka, what do you want to become when you grow up?
- An ornithologist.
- Is this the one who studies birds?
- Yeah. I want to cross a pigeon with a parrot.
- For what?
- What if suddenly the pigeon gets lost, so that it can ask the way home!
The teacher asks Vovochka:
—What are the last teeth a person develops?
“Artificial,” answered Vovochka.
Vovochka stops the car on the street:
- Uncle, take me to school!
- I'm going in the opposite direction.
- All the better!
“Dad,” says Vovochka, “I must tell you that tomorrow there will be a small meeting of students, parents and teachers at school.”
— What does “small” mean?
- It's just you, me and the homeroom teacher.
We wrote a dictation. When Alla Grigorievna was checking the notebooks, she turned to Antonov:
- Kolya, why are you so inattentive? I dictated: “The door creaked and opened.” What did you write? "The door creaked and fell off!"
And everyone laughed!
“Vorobiev,” said the teacher, “you didn’t do your homework again!” Why?
— Igor Ivanovich, we had no light yesterday.
- And what were you doing? Perhaps you watched TV?
- Yeah, in the dark...
And everyone laughed!
A young teacher complains to her friend:
“One of my students completely tormented me: he makes noise, misbehaves, disrupts lessons!
- But does he have at least one positive quality?
- Unfortunately, there is - he doesn’t miss classes...
In our German lesson we covered the topic “My Hobby”. The teacher called Petya Grigoriev. He stood and was silent for a long time.
“I don’t hear the answer,” said Elena Alekseevna. — What is your hobby?
Then Petya said in German:
- Their bin briefmarke! (I am a postage stamp!)
And everyone laughed!
The lesson has begun. The teacher asked:
— Duty officer, who is absent from class?
Pimenov looked around and said:
— Mushkin is absent.
At this time, Mushkin’s head appeared in the doorway:
- I'm not absent, I'm here!
And everyone laughed!
It was a geometry lesson.
- Who solved the problem? - asked Igor Petrovich.
Vasya Rybin was the first to raise his hand.
“Great, Rybin,” the teacher praised, “Please, come to the board!”
Vasya came to the board and said importantly:
— Consider triangle ABCD!
And everyone laughed!
Why weren't you at school yesterday?
— My older brother got sick.
- What does that have to do with you?
- And I rode his bike!
— Petrov, why are you learning English so poorly?
- What for?
- What do you mean why? After all, half the globe speaks this language!
- And isn’t this enough?
- Petya, if you met old man Hottabych, what wish would you ask him to fulfill?
— I would ask to make London the capital of France.
- Why?
- And yesterday I answered geography and got a bad mark!..
- Well done, Mitya. - says dad. — How did you manage to get an A in zoology?
- They asked me how many legs an ostrich has and I answered - three.
- Wait, but an ostrich has two legs!
- Yes, but all the others answered that there were four!
Petya was invited to visit. They tell him:
- Petya, take another piece of cake.
- Thank you, I have already eaten two pieces.
- Then eat a tangerine.
- Thank you, I have already eaten three tangerines.
“Then take some fruit with you.”
- Thank you, I already took it!
Cheburashka found a penny on the road. He comes to a store where they sell toys. He gives a penny to the saleswoman and says:
- Give me this toy, this one and this one!..
The saleswoman looks at him in surprise.
- Well, what are you waiting for? - says Cheburashka. - Give me the change and I'll go!
Vovochka and her dad are standing near a cage where a lion sits at the zoo.
“Dad,” says Vovochka, “and if a lion accidentally jumps out of the cage and eats you, which bus should I take home?”
“Dad,” asks Vovochka, “why don’t you have a car?”
— There is no money for a car. Don’t be lazy, study better, become a good specialist and buy yourself a car.
- Dad, why were you lazy at school?
“Petya,” asks dad, “why are you limping?”
“I put my foot in the mousetrap and it pinched me.”
- Don't stick your nose where it shouldn't!
- Grandfather, what are you doing with this bottle? Do you want to install a boat in it?
“That’s exactly what I wanted at first.” Now I would be glad to just take my hand out of the bottle!
“Dad,” the daughter turns to her father, “our phone works badly!”
- Why did you decide that?
— Now I was talking to my friend and didn’t understand anything.
—Have you tried talking in turns?
“Mom,” Vovochka asked, “how much toothpaste is in the tube?”
- Don't know.
- And I know: from the sofa to the door!
- Dad, get on the phone! - Petya shouted to his father, who was shaving in front of the mirror.
When dad finished the conversation, Petya asked him:
- Dad, are you good at remembering faces?
- I think I remember. And what?
- The fact is that I accidentally broke your mirror...
— Dad, what is “telefiguration”?
- Don't know. Where did you read this?
- I didn’t read it, I wrote it!
- Natasha, why are you writing a letter to your grandmother so slowly?
- It’s okay: grandma reads slowly too!
- Anya, what have you done! You broke a vase that was two hundred years old!
- What happiness, mom! I thought it was completely new!
- Mom, what is etiquette?
- This is the ability to yawn with your mouth closed...
The art teacher says to Vovochka’s father:
— Your son has exceptional abilities. Yesterday he drew a fly on his desk, and I even knocked my hand away trying to get it away!
- What else is that! Recently he painted a crocodile in the bathroom, and I got so scared that I tried to jump out through the door, which was also painted on the wall.
Little Johnny says to his father:
- Dad, I decided to give you a gift for your birthday!
“The best gift for me,” said dad, “is if you study with straight A’s.”
- It's too late, dad, I already bought you a tie!
A little boy watches his dad at work as he paints the ceiling.
Mom says:
- Watch, Petya, and learn. And when you grow up, you will help your dad.
Petya is surprised:
- What, he won’t finish by then?
The hostess, hiring a new maid, asked her:
- Tell me, my dear, do you like parrots?
- Oh, don't worry, madam, I eat everything!
An auction is taking place in a pet store - talking parrots are on sale. One of the buyers who purchased a parrot asks the seller:
- Does he really speak well?
- Still would! After all, he was the one who kept increasing the price!
- Petya, what will you do if hooligans attack you?
- I’m not afraid of them - I know judo, karate, aikedo and other scary words!
- Hello! Animal defence community? There is a postman sitting on a tree in my yard and calling my poor dog all sorts of bad names!
Three bears return to their hut.
- Who touched my plate and ate my porridge?! - Papa Bear growled.
- Who touched my saucer and ate my porridge?! - the bear cub squeaked.
“Calm down,” said mother bear. - There was no porridge: I didn’t cook it today!
One man caught a cold and decided to treat himself with self-hypnosis. He stood in front of the mirror and began to inspire himself:
- I won’t sneeze, I won’t sneeze, I won’t sneeze... A-a-pchhi!!! This is not me, this is not me, this is not me...
- Mom, why does dad have so little hair on his head?
- The fact is that our dad thinks a lot.
“Then why do you have such voluminous hair?”
— Dad, today the teacher told us about an insect that lives only one day. That's great!
— Why “great”?
- Imagine, you can celebrate your birthday all your life!
One fisherman, a teacher by profession, caught a small catfish, admired it, and, throwing it back into the river, said:
- Go home and come back with your parents tomorrow!
A husband and wife came by car to visit. Leaving the car at the house, they tied the dog nearby and told it to guard the car. When they got ready to return home in the evening, they saw that all the wheels of the car had been removed. And there was a note attached to the car: “Don’t scold the dog, she was barking!”
One Englishman walked into a bar with a dog and told the visitors:
— I bet my talking dog will now read Hamlet’s monologue “To be or not to be!”
Alas, he immediately lost the bet. Because the dog didn't say a single word.
Coming out of the bar, the owner began shouting at the dog:
-Are you completely stupid?! I lost a thousand pounds because of you!
“You’re stupid,” the dog objected. - Don’t you understand that tomorrow in the same bar we can win ten times more!
- Your dog is strange - she sleeps all day long. How can she guard the house?
“It’s very simple: when someone stranger approaches the house, we wake her up and she starts barking.
The wolf is going to eat the hare. Hare says:
- Let's agree. I'll tell you three riddles. If you don't guess them, you'll let me go.
- Agree.
— A pair of black ones, shiny, with laces.
The wolf is silent.
- This is a pair of boots. Now the second riddle: four black, shiny ones, with laces.
The wolf is silent.
— Two pairs of shoes. The third riddle is the most difficult: it lives in a swamp, it is green, it croaks, it starts with “la” and ends with “gushka”.
The wolf shouts joyfully:
— Three pairs of shoes!!!
Bats hang on the ceiling. All, as expected, heads down, and one - head up. The mice hanging nearby chatter:
- Why is she hanging upside down?
- And she does yoga!
The crow found a large piece of cheese. Then a fox suddenly jumped out from behind the bushes and slapped the crow on the head. The cheese fell out, the fox immediately grabbed it and ran away.
The stunned crow says with offense:
- Wow, they shortened the fable!
The zoo director, out of breath, comes running to the police station:
- For God's sake, help, our elephant has run away!
“Calm down, citizen,” said the policeman. - We will find your elephant. Name the special signs!
An owl flies and shouts:
- Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh!..
Suddenly he hit a pole:
- Wow!
A Japanese schoolboy enters a company store selling watches.
— Do you have a reliable alarm clock?
“It couldn’t be more reliable,” the seller answers. “First the siren goes on, then an artillery salvo is heard, and a glass of cold water is poured on your face. If that doesn't work, the alarm clock rings the school and tells you that you have the flu!
Guide: - in front of you is a rare exhibit of our museum - a beautiful statue of a Greek warrior. Unfortunately, he is missing an arm and a leg, and his head is damaged in some places. The work is called "Winner".
Visitor: - Great! I'd like to see what's left of the vanquished one!
A foreign tourist arriving in Paris turns to a Frenchman:
“I come here for the fifth time, and I see that nothing has changed!”
- What should change? - he asks.
Tourist (points to the Eiffel Tower):
— In the end, did they find oil here or not?
One society lady asked Heine:
— What do you need to do to learn to speak French?
“It’s not difficult,” he answered, “you just need to use French instead of German words.”
In a history lesson in a French school:
—Who was the father of Louis the Sixteenth?
— Louis the Fifteenth.
- Fine. And Charles the Seventh?
— Charles the Sixth.
- And Francis the First? Well, what are you silent?
- Francis... Zero!
During a history lesson, the teacher said:
— Today we will repeat the old material. Natasha, ask Semenov a question.
Natasha thought and asked:
- What year was the war of 1812?
And everyone laughed.
The parents had no time, and grandfather went to the parent meeting. He arrived in a bad mood and immediately began to scold his grandson:
- Disgrace! It turns out that your history is full of bad marks! For example, I always got straight A's in this subject!
“Of course,” the grandson answered, “at the time when you were studying, history was much shorter!”
Baba Yaga asks Koshchei the Immortal:
— How did you relax during the New Year holidays?
“I shot myself a couple of times, drowned myself three times, hanged myself once—in general, I had fun!”
Winnie the Pooh congratulated the donkey on his birthday, and then said:
- Eeyore, you must be many years old?
- Why do you say that?
- Judging by your ears, you've been pulled on them often!
A client enters a photo studio and asks the receptionist:
— I wonder why everyone is laughing in your photographs?
- You should have seen our photographer!
-What are you complaining about? - the doctor asks the patient.
- You know, by the end of the day I just fall from fatigue.
- What do you do in the evenings?
— I play the violin.
— I recommend stopping music lessons immediately!
When the patient left, the nurse asked the doctor in surprise:
- Ivan Petrovich, what does music lessons have to do with it?
- Absolutely nothing to do with it. It’s just that this woman lives on the floor above me, and our soundproofing is disgusting!
“Yesterday I pulled a pike weighing twenty kilograms out of an ice hole!”
- Can't be!
- That's it, I thought that no one would believe me, so I let her out back...
The summer resident addresses the owner of the dacha:
— Could you please lower the rent for the room a little?
- What are you talking about? With such a beautiful view of the birch grove!
- What if I promise you that I won’t look out the window?
The millionaire shows his guest his villa and says:
“And here I’m going to build three pools: one with cold water, the second with warm water, and the third without water at all.”
- Without water? - the guest is surprised. - For what?
— The fact is that some of my friends don’t know how to swim...
At a painting exhibition, one visitor asks another:
— Do you think this picture depicts a sunrise or sunset?
- Of course, sunset.
- Why do you think so?
— I know this artist. He doesn't wake up before noon.
Buyer: - I would like to buy some book.
Seller: - Would you like something light?
Buyer: - It doesn’t matter, I’m driving!
An unknown young man set a world record in the 100-meter race. A journalist interviews him:
- How did you do it? Have you trained a lot in any sports club?
- No, at the shooting range. I work there replacing targets...
“I recently ran two kilometers in one minute at a school competition!”
- You're lying! This is better than a world record!
- Yes, but I know a shortcut!